Opening Theme
Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Make Love To You Woman 

Weight Gain 4000: 
Chef's Kathie Lee Gifford Song

Chef's Volcano Song 

Elephant Makes Love to a Pig: 
Chef's Love Song

Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride: 
Chef's Song 

Pink Eye: 
I Make Love Even When I'm Dead

Mr Hankey, The Christmas Poo: 
Mr. Hankey, The Christmas Poo 
It's Hard to Be A Jew on Christmas 
Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch 
Lay You Down By The Yule Log
Chef's Differences Song 

Tom's Rhinoplasy: 
No Substitute (For You)

"You wait and you wait..."

Please!  E-mail me if you have corrections!

Opening Theme (performed by Primus and the South Park kids)

Les Claypool: I’m goin’ down to South Park gonna have myself a time

Stan and Kyle: Friendly faces everywhere…humble folks without temptation…

Les Claypool: Goin’ down to South Park gonna leave my woes behind

Cartman: Ample parking day or night, people spouting "Howdy Neighbour"!

Les Claypool: Headin’ on up to South Park gonna see if I can’t unwind

Kenny: (mumble-mumble-mumble-mumble...mumble-mumble-mumble-mumble*)

Les Claypool: So come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine

*note: I AM aware of what Kenny is supposedly saying, although there are several different interpretations.  Currently, the most widely accepted is "I like girls with big, fat, titties, I like girls with big vaginas."  Even Guitar World magazine said so.

I'm Gonna Make Love To You Woman (sung by Chef)

Stan:     Chef, have you ever had something happen to you, but nobody believed you?

Chef:    Aw, children, children, that's a problem we've all had to face at some time or another.
            Here, let me sing you a little song.  It might clear things up.

            I'm gonna make love to you, woman.
            Gonna lay you down by the fire
            And caress your womanly body.
            Make you moan and perspire.

Stan:     Uh, Chef?

Chef:     Gonna get those juices flowin'.

Stan:     Chef?

Chef:     We're makin' love, baby, love, baby.

Stan:     Chef!

Chef:     Love, love, love, love, love, baby!

Stan:     CHEF!

Chef:     Huh?

Mr. Hankey, The Christmas Poo (sung by the citizens of South Park)

Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo
He loves me (and) I love you
By definition he loves you
Even if you're a Jew

Sometimes he's nutty, sometimes he's corny
He can be brown or greenish brown
But if you eat fiber on Christmas Eve
He might be coming to your town.

Mr. Hankey, the Christmas poo
He loves me, I love you,

Heigh-dee Ho (sung by Mr. Hankey with Kyle)

Mr. Hankey: Santa Claus is on his way
                    He's loaded goodies on his sleigh
                    (He'll) drop them off on Christmas day and I'll say Heigh-dee ho...

Kyle: Mr. Hankey!  Shh!  I'll get in trouble!

Mr. Hankey: Folks will gather 'round the fire
                    Singing songs for the choir
                    Pretty soon they'll all retire and I'll say heigh-dee ho...

Kyle's Dad: Kyle, what are you doing in there?!?!

Kyle: Nothing!


Mr. Hankey: I hope that Santa comes real soon...

Kyle: Mr. Hankey, come here!

Kyle's Dad:  <Gasp!>

It's Hard to Be A Jew on Christmas (sung by Kyle)

It's hard to be a Jew on Christmas
My friends won't let me play in any games
I can't sing Christmas songs or decorate a Christmas tree
Or leave water out for Rudolph because there's something wrong with me

My people don't believe in Jesus Christ who has been...has he?
I'm a Jew, a lonely Jew, on Christmas.

Hanukah is nice but why is it
That Santa passes over my house every year
Instead of eating Christmas ham I have to eat Kosher lox cheese
Instead of Silent Night I'm singing Hu-hak-do-navees

And what the f*ck is up with lighting all these f*cking candles tell me please?
I'm a Jew, a lonely Jew
I'd be merry, but I'm Hebrew
On Christmas.

Kyle's Mom is a Stupid D-minor (sung by Cartman, with Kyle and Mr. Hankey)

Mr. Garrison: The new law states we can't sing any songs having to do with  Jesus OR Santa Claus.
Cartman: Thanks to Kyle's mother.
Kyle: SHUT UP, Cartman!
Mr. Garrison: So does anybody know any NON-Santa or NON-Jesus Christmas songs.  Yes, Eric?
Cartman: How 'bout we sing, "Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch in D-Minor."
Kyle: I told you NOT to call my mom a BITCH, Cartman!

Cartman:  Oh, ho!
                Welll....Kyles' mom's a bitch
                She's a big fat bitch
                She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
                She's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch
                She's a bitch to all the boys and girls

Mr. Hankey: Heigh-dee ho!
Kyle: Mr. Hankey!

Cartman:  On Monday, she's a bitch
                On Tuesday, she's a bitch
                On Wednesday through Saturday, she's a bitch
                Then on Sunday, just to be different
                She's a super King Kamehameha bee-yauch

Mr. Hankey: Golly, that isn't very nice...I'd sure like to teach him a lesson.

Cartman:  Have you ever met my friend Kyles' mom?
                She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
                She's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair
                She's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch
                Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, yes she's a stupid bitch
                Kyles' mom's a bitch and she's just a dirty bitch!

                Kyles' a bi-i-i-iiiiitch--ah!

Lay You Down by the Yule Log (sung by Chef)

I'm gonna lay you down by the yule log
I'm gonna love you right
I can't wait to deck your halls
And silence your night...

I can hear the angels sing
when I'm slidin' off your bra
I can't wait to jingle your bells
and fa-la-la your love...

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Big fat-assed disclaimer: South Park and all related characters are trademarked and copyrighted.  I'm not too sure who owns the copyright (it's either Comedy Central or Trey Parker and Matt Stone), but at any rate, they're copyrighted.  Images have been used without permission, but have only been used for review purposes, so PUH-lease treat the images with respect.