Opening Theme

Cartman Gets an Anal Probe: 
Make Love To You Woman 

Weight Gain 4000: 
The Kathie Lee Gifford Song


Elephant Makes Love to a Pig: 
Tonight is Right for Love

Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride: 
Make Love to the Football 

Pink Eye: 
I Make Love Even When I'm Dead

Mr Hankey, The Christmas Poo: 
It's Hard to Be A Jew on Christmas
Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch 
Lay You Down By The Yule Log
Mr. Hankey, The Christmas Poo

We're All Special 

Tom's Rhinoplasy: 
No Substitute (For You)

When A Man Loves a Woman

All lyrics are transcribed by ear.  Please!  E-mail me if you have corrections!

Opening Theme (performed by Primus and the South Park kids)

Les Claypool: I’m goin’ down to South Park gonna have myself a time

Stan and Kyle: Friendly faces everywhere…humble folks without temptation…

Les Claypool: Goin’ down to South Park gonna leave my woes behind

Cartman: Ample parking day or night, people spouting "Howdy Neighbour"!

Les Claypool: Headin’ on up to South Park gonna see if I can’t unwind

Kenny: (mumble-mumble-mumble-mumble...mumble-mumble-mumble-mumble*)

Les Claypool: So come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine
*note: I AM aware of what Kenny is supposedly saying, although there are several different interpretations.  Currently, the most widely accepted is "I like girls with big, fat, titties, I like girls with big vaginas."  Even Guitar World magazine said so.   Kenny also says "Now our town is bigger dammit right down to this piece of granite" in the pilot version of "Cartman Gets an Anal Probe."

I'm Gonna Make Love To You Woman (sung by Chef)

Stan:     Chef, have you ever had something happen to you, but nobody believed you?

Chef:    Aw, children, children, that's a problem we've all had to face at some time or another.
            Here, let me sing you a little song.  It might clear things up.

            I'm gonna make love to you, woman.
            Gonna lay you down by the fire
            And caress your womanly body.
            Make you moan and perspire.

Stan:     Uh, Chef?

Chef:     Gonna get those juices flowin'.

Stan:     Chef?

Chef:     We're makin' love, baby, love, baby.

Stan:     Chef!

Chef:     Love, love, love, love, love, baby!

Stan:     CHEF!

Chef:     Huh?

The Kathie Lee Gifford Song (sung by Chef with the Mayor)

Chef: Y'know Kathie Lee you are a very special woman
         I don't mean special in a Mary Tyler way...
        Or...or...special in an extra value meal at Happy Burger way...
        No, no, no, no...I mean the sound of a humming bird as it gets ready
        To find that female hummingbird
        And make sweet love to it all night long

        Just two hummingbirds moaning, and groaning,
        Lettin' their bodies caress and touch each other in estacy

        Oh, Kathie Lee,
        How I'd love to lay you down
        And lick every inch of your body with my tongue...

Mayor: WHAT?!

Chef: Kathie Lee, you're my sexual fantasy

Mayor: WHAT?

Chef: Howabout you and me...

Mayor: Uh...thank you Chef for that heart warming song...

Chef: Getting together and make sweet love...


Chef: Oh, oh.  God bless you Kathie Lee!

Volcano (sung by Chef)

Ooh baby every time that we kiss, hot lava
Every time we make love like lava, hot lava

Lava's so hot it makes me sweat
Lava's so warm and red and wet
Lava!  (rbmmbmmblblmblmblmbllll!!*)

*this sound is achieved by grumbling while shaking your head like a dog shaking itself dry

Tonight is Right for Love (sung by Chef with Elton John)

Chef:     Tonight is right for love
            Y'know I wanna touch you while the lights don't work
            Tonight is right for love
            Love gravy (?)

            Expression love so sweet
            I wanna keep you burning like a dog in heat
            Tonight is right for love
            Love gravy

            Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Elton John!

Elton:    Oooh tonight, ohhhh it's right
            Oooh tonight is right for love
            Love real

Chef:    Thank you Elton!
            Tonight is right for love
            Love gravy

note: I figure the word "crazy" would work better than "gravy", but it clearly sounds like Chef is saying "Love Gravy".  I have asbolutlely no idea what "Love Gravy" is.

Make Love to the Football (sung by Chef with Kyle)

Chef: You've got to hold the football like you would hold your lover.
         Gently, yet firmly.
         You've wanna be both nurturing and clinging at the same time.
         Oh, yeah.

         Just like making sweet love to the football,
         Being naughty with the football,

Kyle: Uh...chef?

Chef: Spankin'...ever so gently...

Kyle: Chef?

Chef: Spankin'...

Kyle: CHEF!

Chef: Oh, sorry, children.

I Make Love Even When I'm Dead (sung by Chef)

I make love,
Even when I'm dead
Although it's cold in my heart,
You know it's warm in my bed.

I make love,
Please don't be afraid
Although my heart ain't beating,
You know you gonna get laid.


It's Hard to Be A Jew on Christmas (sung by Kyle)

It's hard to be a Jew on Christmas
My friends won't let me play in any games
I can't sing Christmas songs or decorate a Christmas tree
Or leave water out for Rudolph because there's something wrong with me

My people don't believe in Jesus Christ who has been...has he?
I'm a Jew, a lonely Jew, on Christmas.

Hanukah is nice but why is it
That Santa passes over my house every year
Instead of eating Christmas ham I have to eat Kosher lox cheese
Instead of Silent Night I'm singing Hu-hak-do-navees

And what the f*ck is up with lighting all these f*cking candles tell me please?
I'm a Jew, a lonely Jew
I'd be merry, but I'm Hebrew
On Christmas.

note: may be inaccurate

Kyle's Mom is a Stupid D-minor (sung by Cartman, with Kyle and Mr. Hankey)

Mr. Garrison: The new law states we can't sing any songs having to do with  Jesus OR Santa Claus.
Cartman: Thanks to Kyle's mother.
Kyle: SHUT UP, Cartman!
Mr. Garrison: So does anybody know any NON-Santa or NON-Jesus Christmas songs.  Yes, Eric?
Cartman: How 'bout we sing, "Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch in D-Minor."
Kyle: I told you NOT to call my mom a BITCH, Cartman!

Cartman:  Oh, ho!
                Welll....Kyles' mom's a bitch
                She's a big fat bitch
                She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
                She's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch
                She's a bitch to all the boys and girls

Mr. Hankey: Heigh-dee ho!
Kyle: Mr. Hankey!

Cartman:  On Monday, she's a bitch
                On Tuesday, she's a bitch
                On Wednesday through Saturday, she's a bitch
                Then on Sunday, just to be different
                She's a super King Kamehameha bee-yauch

Mr. Hankey: Golly, that isn't very nice...I'd sure like to teach him a lesson.

Cartman:  Have you ever met my friend Kyles' mom?
                She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
                She's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair
                She's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch
                Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, yes she's a stupid bitch
                Kyles' mom's a bitch and she's just a dirty bitch!

                Kyles' a bi-i-i-iiiiitch--ah!

Heigh-dee Ho (sung by Mr. Hankey with Kyle and his dad)
Mr. Hankey: Santa Claus is on his way
                    He's loaded goodies on his sleigh
                    (He'll) drop them off on Christmas day and I'll say Heigh-dee ho...

Kyle: Mr. Hankey!  Shh!  I'll get in trouble!

Mr. Hankey: Folks will gather 'round the fire
                    Singing songs for the choir
                    Pretty soon they'll all retire and I'll say heigh-dee ho...

Kyle's Dad: Kyle, what are you doing in there?!?!

Kyle: Nothing!


Mr. Hankey: I hope that Santa comes real soon...

Kyle: Mr. Hankey, come here!

Kyle's Dad:  <Gasp!>

Lay You Down by the Yule Log (sung by Chef)

I'm gonna lay you down by the yule log
I'm gonna love you right
Baby I'm gonna deck your halls
And silence your night...

Hear the herald angels sing
when I'm slidin' off your bra
I just can't wait to jingle your bells
and fa-la-la your love...

(If anybody is able to filter out what Chef is singing while Stan and Cartman are speaking, e-mail me, please!)

Mr. Hankey, The Christmas Poo (sung by the citizens of South Park)

Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo
He loves me (and) I love you
Therefore potentially he loves you
Even if you're a Jew

Sometimes he's nutty, sometimes he's corny
He can be brown or greenish brown
But if you eat fiber on Christmas Eve
He might be coming to your town.

Mr. Hankey, the Christmas poo
He loves me, I love you,

We're All Special (sung by Chef)

We're all special in our own way
Everybody's different, but that's okay
'Cause even though we might have different colour skin
Different parts of you seem tall or thin

Doesn't mean I can't lay you down woman
And touch your silky skin
With my love deep inside you where no man has ever been

Rub your head, caress your thighs and...uh...
What are we talking about again?

No Substitute for You (sung by Chef)

Nobody can take your place
No lady can match your face
You got it goin' all in a way so clear
I just wanna buy you a beer

Or maybe tonight at 7:30 or something if I can uh, come by and uh,
Pick you up in my car

(No substitute) no substitute for you (no substitute)
No baby there's (no substitute) for you girl (no substitute) for you now

You know that it's true (no substitute)
There's just no substitute for you.

When a Man Loves A Woman (sung by Chef)

When a man loves a woman
and a woman loves a man
Actually, sometimes a man doesn't love a woman but he acts like he does in order to get some action (heh heh)

The magic starts to happen
And the two take off their clothes, that's right
They carress and touch each other
Until a part of the man grows

They roll around and mouth things
You really start to gettin' hot
And the man says I love you
And the woman says,

So he wait and he wait and he wait and he wait...

So he wait and he wait and he wait
And he wait and you're colling down and she's still going to the bathroom

Finally, she comes back and she says,
"Baby I'm gettin' hot"
And that's when you gotta jam her butt
And pump her full of...

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Big fat-assed disclaimer: South Park and all related characters are trademarked and copyrighted.  I'm not too sure who owns the copyright (it's either Comedy Central or Trey Parker and Matt Stone), but at any rate, they're copyrighted.  Images have been used without permission, but have only been used for review purposes, so PUH-lease treat the images with respect.